| Do let your kids know what’s going on at a | | | | child cannot reconcile. |
| level that they can understand given their age and | | | | Do understand that children seek stability and |
| maturity. This should be done in a way that | | | | routines. To the extent possible, help them |
| avoids badmouthing or putting down your spouse. | | | | maintain their friendships, remain in the same |
| Don’t go into detail about the problems you | | | | school, stay on the same sports team, and keep |
| and your spouse are having. Schedule time for | | | | their same activities. When this is not possible, |
| discussions without the children present – | | | | focus on helping them to find new and fun things |
| agree to disagree in private, away from the | | | | to replace the old things. |
| children. | | | | Don’t assume that children will just “roll |
| Do maintain civility with your spouse when the | | | | with the punches”. While it is true that children |
| children are present. The fight does not belong to | | | | are often very resilient, don’t take this for |
| the children and they don’t deserve to be | | | | granted. Keep a close eye on how the children |
| subjected to it. | | | | are adjusting and support and acknowledge the |
| Don’t put your children in a position of seeing | | | | difficulty of change. |
| the two people that they love most in the world | | | | Do remain the adult in the relationship, charged |
| being unkind or critical to the other. | | | | with meeting your children’s needs. |
| Do understand that this is a very emotional time | | | | Don’t allow your children to become an |
| for your children. Encourage them to express | | | | emotional crutch for you. Some children, when |
| their feelings with you. They will be sad, fearful, | | | | they see their parents hurting, will try to take on |
| and anxious about changes in their world. At | | | | the role of caretaker. This is an unfair and |
| times, this may take the form of negative and | | | | unhealthy position for a child. |
| attention-seeking behavior. Above all, let them | | | | Do understand that it is a common fantasy for |
| know that you will continue to love them and to | | | | children to believe that their parents will get back |
| keep them safe. | | | | together again and you will all be “one big |
| Don’t overlook the potential trauma that your | | | | happy family again”. |
| children may experience. While you might feel | | | | Don’t get angry with children for expressing |
| overwhelmed, it is important to stay tuned into | | | | sentiments of this nature. Let them know that |
| how the divorce is affecting them. | | | | while this is not realistic, both parents still love |
| Do understand that it is important that you make | | | | them even though you can’t live together. |
| it O.K. for your children to love both parents. If | | | | Many of the problems described above can be |
| you discourage your kids from expressing positive | | | | avoided or ameliorated by the parents coming to |
| feelings for the other parent, you are shutting off | | | | a set of agreements early in the separation or |
| communication about a significant part of their life. | | | | divorce process. When a husband and wife are in |
| You can help the child make a holiday card for the | | | | the midst of problems that endanger the |
| other parent, help them buy a small birthday | | | | marriage, it’s difficult to have civil, |
| present for the other parent, or help them put up | | | | clear-headed agreements on how to deal with the |
| a picture of the other parent in their bedroom. | | | | children and with the future. |
| Don’t overtly or covertly ask your children to | | | | It's important to have a mediator or other |
| choose sides. The divorce is not about one parent | | | | divorce specialist available to not only come to |
| being right and the other parent being wrong in | | | | reasonable terms, but also to incorporate the |
| the world of children. Asking a child to divide his | | | | children into the decisions so that they don't |
| her loyalty can bring on emotional turmoil that the | | | | suffer as well. |