| Bereavement - Understanding and coping with | | | | At this stage it has not yet been accepted that |
| Grief. | | | | the death is real. Perhaps your sub conscious is |
| "Only people who are capable of loving strongly | | | | protecting you to allow it to 'sink in' slowly so |
| can also suffer great sorrow, but this same | | | | avoiding emotional overload. Others may even |
| necessity of loving serves to counteract their | | | | comment that you are coping well. You may feel |
| grief and heals them." - Tolstoy | | | | 'numbness' and a sense of disbelief. |
| In truth, no written words can 'cure' someone | | | | Separation and Pain |
| suffering with the loss of somebody whom they | | | | At this stage you may have feelings of intense |
| love. | | | | pining and yearning. These emotions can ebb and |
| Grief cannot be 'cured' anyway, but it can | | | | flow and can often give concern and be |
| eventually stop being as painful as you find | | | | distressing for those close to you that are |
| yourself coming to terms and 'moving on,' but | | | | witnessing this |
| how long will this take? This is an impossible | | | | You may find yourself asking others to reassure |
| question to answer and relies on many, many | | | | you that the person really has gone from your |
| factors. One thing that I am sure of though is | | | | life. |
| that it is better to travel the journey with | | | | You are likely to have feelings of emptiness and |
| someone to support you than to do it alone. | | | | possibly keep 'seeing' the deceased. |
| Perhaps you are asking why has he written this | | | | Despair |
| article if he cannot stop the horrible feelings of | | | | This can be a very dark place for the person |
| loss, feelings of hopelessness and depression?' | | | | grieving as the full realisation of a life without the |
| Well, that's a fair question and the answer is that | | | | loved one now takes hold. Common thoughts |
| I can help you to understand the grief process | | | | include "what is the point of living without him |
| that you, and everyone at times in their lives, has | | | | her?", "how will I cope on my own?" You may |
| to go through. By understanding this, you should | | | | find it difficult to function normally, become absent |
| be better able to deal with the strong negative | | | | minded or depressed. |
| emotions that you must feel. Also, recognizing | | | | Acceptance |
| that it is a process gives hope to the idea that it | | | | When you have passed through the previous |
| will end in spite of how you may be feeling | | | | stages you will start to believe in the possibility of |
| currently. | | | | 'moving on'. This will initially be intellectual |
| The primary purposes of this article are therefore | | | | acceptance as there will still be emotional mood |
| to | | | | swings and depressions at times. Anniversaries, |
| 1) Offer the reader and understanding and | | | | birthdays and other special times may still give |
| therefore help in dealing with the natural and | | | | problems for a time. Resuming a social life may |
| painful process of grieving. | | | | give rise to feelings of guilt that your life is |
| 2) To reassure you that the emotional and | | | | moving on or that others may think that you |
| physical reactions that you may be going through | | | | have now forgotten the deceased. |
| are normal and perhaps even necessary. | | | | Resolution and re-organization |
| 3) To explain why help will be of great benefit in | | | | Having got to this stage, you will now be able to |
| supporting and guiding you through the stages of | | | | discuss your loved person with others and recall |
| the grieving process and what form the help | | | | fond memories without becoming upset. You shall |
| takes. | | | | also be able to lead a full social life without feelings |
| It has been written by me, as a Psychotherapist, | | | | of guilt. |
| and will hopefully be of interest and benefit to | | | | Feelings, behaviors, thoughts and physical |
| several types of readers:a) Someone who has | | | | responses on your journey |
| had a recent loss and is finding it hard to come to | | | | Let's have a look at some of the above. By being |
| terms with it.b) Someone who is anticipating a loss | | | | aware and exploring these sensations, may help |
| fairly soon and wishes to prepare for it.c) | | | | you to realize that these are normal responses |
| Someone who has had a loss sometime ago and | | | | and ones that you can work through. |
| feels that they are still not over the pain. | | | | Feelings: |
| Before we begin looking into this important | | | | Anger, perhaps at the person who has left you. |
| process, I need to clarify a couple of things. | | | | Certainly, God regularly gets an ear bashing! |
| Firstly, what is grief? We can define it as the | | | | Guilt, perhaps at having anger, perhaps because |
| psychological reaction to loss. We usually think of | | | | you have survived, perhaps you don't know why. |
| the death of someone dear to us, but we also | | | | Anxiety: For those having experienced an |
| grieve for any loss in our lives that we consider | | | | unexpected death of a loved one, you are now |
| significant. | | | | plunged into an uncertain future and may have |
| These losses could include the loss of our own | | | | concerns as to how you will cope, ever be happy |
| childhood if this was unpleasant, divorce, having a | | | | again or perhaps even exist. |
| miscarriage or losing your job etc. | | | | Emptiness, aching, loneliness as you are constantly |
| The first part of this article will introduce some | | | | reminded of their absence. |
| background topics that will help give an | | | | Tiredness/fatigue are very common symptoms |
| understanding as to why this natural process can | | | | which perhaps slow us down a bit and help with |
| be so difficult. | | | | the healing process. |
| Background | | | | Yearning is yet another common and perfectly |
| The process of grieving is a natural part of the | | | | natural occurrence. As you move toward |
| human life experience. It is experienced differently | | | | acceptance, this need will lessen. |
| by each of us and is affected by many factors | | | | Other common signs: Confusion, worries about |
| which include culture, beliefs and the other loss | | | | not saying goodbye, obsessive thoughts about |
| experiences that we have had. | | | | the deceased, hallucinations, sleep problems, |
| However, being a natural process is not enough to | | | | absent mindedness and many more. |
| ensure that we are able to come to terms with | | | | If you have religious beliefs, these can often be |
| our loss and 'move on' to adjust our lives and | | | | challenged at this difficult time. As mentioned |
| begin to function effectively again. Western | | | | earlier, God can be a focus for blame and |
| society has been in a state of constant change | | | | unanswerable questions that can then make us |
| for many years. This in itself offers stress and | | | | feel guilty. |
| anxiety for many individuals. It has impacted on all | | | | Pathological aspects |
| aspects of our lives which includes the way we | | | | You may hear this word which simply means that |
| view matters such as grieving. | | | | the grief process is perhaps excessive in its |
| Social changes have seen a decline in what used | | | | intensity say, resulting in certain types of |
| to be support structures. Families used to live | | | | behaviour or symptoms. These could include: |
| very near to each other, religion was strong and | | | | Quite severe depression |
| central to many communities, our local doctors | | | | Difficulties in talking about the deceased without |
| knew us and understood us, good neighbors and | | | | intense emotional reaction. |
| others in the local community would be available | | | | Excessive euphoria after the death. |
| to help in times of need. The decline of these | | | | I do not want to dwell on these because you |
| support structures often means that we are | | | | may start to incorrectly analyze your feelings and |
| (feel) more isolated thereby limiting our | | | | this is not the purpose of this article. If you |
| opportunities to share and express our emotion. | | | | believe, or others tell you, that you are |
| Are you able to openly show you feelings? | | | | overreacting or use language that suggests this, |
| Generally, men find this more difficult than | | | | then see a mental health professional who is best |
| women, at least in western society. Men are | | | | qualified to help you through. |
| often raised being told nonsense such as "big boys | | | | I hope that you found this information comforting |
| don't cry", "real men keep their emotions under | | | | insofar as all those bereaved suffer some if not |
| control" etc. Bottling it all up is not healthy. It is at | | | | most of these 'symptoms'. I also hope that you |
| the funeral that men can often allow themselves | | | | can begin to realize that it can be very difficult to |
| to cry just a bit. | | | | see your own way through this 'fog' of negative |
| Funerals play a very important part in saying | | | | emotion. Without support, some can become |
| goodbye and in the acceptance of the fact that a | | | | 'stuck' at a particular stage which is clearly |
| loved one is no longer part of our physical lives. | | | | undesirable. So where can support be found and |
| You will also be able to look at the life of the | | | | what can be expected? |
| deceased and see him or her in terms of | | | | If you have a close and caring family this can be |
| celebrating that life rather than focusing on their | | | | a great help at least at the beginning but at some |
| death and absence. However, these often take | | | | point you may need professional help. This can be |
| place too soon after a death and can be | | | | provided by someone from your religious |
| perceived as a hurried affair. The friends and | | | | community, voluntary grief workers or |
| relatives attending the service will be good for | | | | professional mental health professionals such as |
| you due to the support they offer, but after the | | | | psychotherapists and grief counselors. |
| service and follow up function, they leave perhaps | | | | What can you expect? |
| taking with them that support. | | | | The person that you select to accompany you on |
| This 'hurried', 'compacted' activity contributes to a | | | | your journey through grief should offer these |
| your having a shorter time to fully grieve than is | | | | qualities:a) He/She recognizes that it is your |
| necessary. | | | | journey and that you set the pace and |
| Other difficulties include the way that friends, | | | | timescales.b) He/She listens to you and only |
| relatives and work colleagues relate to you. | | | | speaks when needed or when appropriate.c) |
| Perhaps they are too sympathetic, perhaps they | | | | Offering an environment that you accept as a |
| avoid the subject (or you) altogether, perhaps | | | | 'safe place to cry'.d) He/She travels 'beside' you |
| they irritate by saying empty, albeit well meaning | | | | on this painful journey, guiding gently, always |
| phrases like, " I know exactly how you feel......", | | | | supportive.e) NEVER be judgmental. |
| "time is a great healer.."etc.. | | | | Finding the appropriate companion for your |
| So let's have a look at the process in more detail. | | | | journey of grief can be done through voluntary |
| The field of grief counseling has benefited greatly | | | | agencies such as Citizens Advice Bureau (UK), age |
| from many dedicated and inspired researchers | | | | support organizations, religious groups and |
| such as Elizabeth Kubler Ross, J William Worden. | | | | counseling/therapy practitioners which can be |
| Their work and the contribution of clinical | | | | found in the yellow pages or online. |
| experience have shown that all loss has to go | | | | I wish you well on your difficult and painful |
| through stages. As previously mentioned, there is | | | | journey and leave you with the knowledge that it |
| no fixed timescale involved as we are all affected | | | | is perfectly possible to come through this |
| by grief differently. How we react also depends | | | | experience and to be able to get on with your life |
| greatly on the nature and circumstances of the | | | | again. This does not mean that you will forget the |
| death, but in general: | | | | one you have lost. You have simply adjusted |
| Shock | | | | your life. |